Posted by: notdeaddinosaur | February 27, 2014

How Do You Know Your Cat is Planning to Kill You?

All hail “The Oatmeal,” the source of all truth in the universe.

So how do you know your cat is planning to kill you? Answers here, but not the fully correct one. The real answer to the question, “How do you know your cat is planning to kill you?” is this:

You have a cat.

I was reminded of this the other day by a comment on a post by Rob Lamberts on KevinMD which began:

As an incurable compulsive introspect, I tend to brood, ponder, contemplate, and (of course) muse on “big ideas,” such as:

  • What makes people choose things which cause themselves harm?
  • Are some people better people than others, or are they just more skilled at hiding their problems?
  • Is pain really a bad thing, or is our aversion to it a sign of human weakness?
  • Does God ever wear a hat?
  • Do dogs watch Oprah?
  • Why did I put “big ideas” in quotes?

I love Rob.

One of his commenters, Eqvet215, added this at the end of a thoughtful response:

By the way, most tasteful dogs watch Ellen; Pugs watch Maury or Jerry Springer Spaniel. Cats watch Dexter.

Of course cats would watch Dexter; makes perfect sense.

Which led me to think of my little Bootsie; my BooBoo Bear; my sweet little 14-year-old tabby with no front claws (rescued that way) who sleeps between me and DDS each and every night. Planning to kill us? Not my darling kitty.

But he is a cat. And suddenly I realized what was going on.

He’s paralyzed by indecision. Every night he jumps up on the bed and tries to decide which one of us to smother first. And every night he lies there, torn: her? Him? Her? Him? All night long. Poor thing just can’t make up his mind. Then before he knows it, the sun is up and we’re gone. Another day to plot and ponder (and poop and barf; he’s nothing if not versatile in his talents), until tonight…

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