Posted by: notdeaddinosaur | January 19, 2012

Beware the Healthy Patient

Sometimes it’s those perfectly healthy patients who really give us a run for our money.

Good morning, I’m Dr. Dinosaur. What can I do for you today?

Oh, nothing much, Doctor. I’m just here for a physical. I’m perfectly healthy.

Wonderful. So you’re not under medical care for anything?

No, nothing. Unless you count the high blood pressure and the diabetes. Maybe the arthritis. And I suppose the irritable bowel, sciatica, and bursitis are sort of medical conditions.

Sort of. Have you ever been operated on for anything?

No. Wait; does a hip replacement count?

Yes.

Oh, okay. But that’s all. Not including the gall bladder, tonsils, appendix, and c-sections, of course.

Of course. Anything else?

No, nothing. That little thing they took out of my breast last year wasn’t anything.

You had a breast biopsy last year? Was it malignant?

No, nothing malignant. There may have been a little bit of cancer in it, but that’s all.

You didn’t need any further treatment?

Nope. Once they were finished with the chemo and the radiation, I didn’t need any more treatment.

Okay then. Do you take any medications?

No, none. Unless you mean the blood pressure pills and the cholesterol pills, plus the pain pills, the nerve pills, and the pills I take for my stomach. The insulin doesn’t count, does it? I mean, it’s not a pill, right?

You’re right about that. Are you allergic to any medications that you know of?

No, nothing at all. Except that erythro-something makes me vomit, penicillin gives me hives, and I got some guy’s rash from sulphur once.

Whose rash?

Steve someone. Steven Johnson, I think. Something like that. Anyway, once I got out of intensive care from it, I was fine.

I see. Let’s move on; when was the last time you had a period?

Oh my goodness, that was sometime in the 1980s.

Nothing since?

No, not unless you mean the bleeding I’ve had off and on for about a year now. I’d hardly call that a period.

That’s true, though we may have to look into that. Let’s see; we should also address your weight.

Why? I’m only 298.

But you’re only 5′ 2″. 

I’m big boned.

Of course. Is there anything else I should know about you?

Oh no, Doctor. I’m perfectly healthy.

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Responses

  1. I didn’t know we saw the same patient!

  2. I get them, too.

    Does anyone in your family have any medical problems?

    No. Wait. Grandma had sugar, and high blood. Dad had a stroke and high blood. Mom had to have a hysterecialectomy…….

  3. Well, at least the “healthy” patient isn’t another hypochondriac. ;-D

  4. “Do you have any medical problems?”

    “No, my doctor says I’m fine as long as I take all of my medications.”

    “Sigh.”

    BTW, birth control pills and erectile dysfunction medications aren’t, uh, medications. At least not according to some patients.

  5. Oh, wow…funny thing is, I see this often in the records, and I can just imagine the poor doc cringing inside listening to this kind of pt… From the pt. side, I always try to be completely up front about my slightly quirky history, even though it often leads to a bunch of questions, some strange discussion, and sometimes an odd collection of diagnosis codes on the superbill. I figure if you can’t be honest with your physician, then who can you be honest with? That could be a blog post if I was a blogger…

  6. Well, jiminy. I think the same patient was in my office last week. She sure gets around, doesn’t she?

  7. Beware the healthy train-wreck!


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