Posted by: notdeaddinosaur | May 22, 2008

Why Breastfeeding is a Bad Idea

The medical literature abounds with evidence of the beneficial effects of breastfeeding: maternal-infant bonding, enhanced response to immunizations and higher intelligence in breastfed infants, to name just a few. I don’t dispute any of this, but I would like to point out an unintended consequence that I have not seen addressed previously.

Breastfeeding is too damn expensive.

Using my family as an N of 3, we observe that the first two children, each breastfed for about a week, ended up graduating from high school in the middle of the class and went on to in-state public colleges; a highly economical way to obtain a higher education. The third child on the other hand, breastfed for two years, wound up fourth in his high school class and now attends an outrageously expensive out-of-state private university, where expenses run five times higher than those of his siblings.

Clearly the effect of enhanced intelligence from prolonged breastfeeding led directly to these ridiculous tuition bills. Even if you banked all the money saved on formula via breastfeeding, there’s no way to accumulate $40,000 per year; no baby eats that much!

So to all those new moms out there planning to breastfeed, think twice about the inevitable sticker shock down the road. Formula may seem expensive, but it’s a bargain compared to a top tier college. Better to go with bottles and end up at state schools. After all, it’s never too soon to start planning.

(Note: I have actual money riding on how many commenters don’t get this.)



  1. OMG! This post is hilarious!

    Unfortunately, reading all the comments I found how many stupid people are out there! Sorry for them!

    Breastmilk is definitely the best!
    Believe it or not.

    However, it won’t make a genious or even just a good person alone.
    It isn’t a magic potion. πŸ™‚

  2. […] of all, you will never β€” by which I mean not EVER β€” find someone more supportive of breastfeeding than I am. I nursed my last kid for two whole years, and the only reason I gave up […]

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